Have you ever asked yourself the question – what is your job as a mum?
If you don’t take the time to decide consciously, you are taking action from your default and that’s not optimal. I know from experience! Taking the time to decide is powerful.
If you had to name the three most important aims as a mum, what would they be? For me, they are to LOVE, to TEACH and to PROTECT my children. Your three things might look different, go ahead and write them down.
Once we know what our most important goals are, then we can decide what an amazing mum would look like.
Did I love them today? Did I teach them something today? Did I do my best to protect them today?
This helps you also get clearer about the things you are NOT going to use as a measure for how you are parenting. Don’t judge yourself on how your children act or what their results are. Often this is how we judge ourselves, but it’s painful when we do this, because we have no control over our children. We can’t make them act in a certain way and we certainly do not control the results they have in their own life.
I also don’t judge it on:
– How clean the house is.
– Whether they acted peaceful or grateful or kind.
– How they performed on their report card.
– How they behaved at their grandparents’ house.
Once we have identified our role as a mum and realise that success as a mum is not reliant on the results of our children, we become aware that their behaviour doesn’t mean anything about us. Then we can simply focus our time and energy on being the mum we truly want to be.
If we want to go one step further, we can allow our kids to be who they are. We can acknowledge that obstacles are just part of the journey. We can embrace the messiness of life.
Let me show you. First with an example of what it looks like when I am parenting by default.
Sometimes my kids fight and end up using their fists. I feel angry because I’m thinking “they shouldn’t be fighting”, “they are going to get hurt and it’s my responsibility to stop that from happening”, “they should know better” and “I haven’t done my job properly”. I yell and I feel like a terrible mum.
The same scenario, but using my three most important aims as a mum to guide me.
Sometimes my kids fight and end up using their fists. I feel love because I am thinking “it’s my job to love my kids”. I also feel calm because I think “I can’t change my kids, sometimes they will fight and that’s ok” and “obstacles are a part of the journey”. If my job is to love, teach and protect my children, I can intervene without anger. I can teach them and help them find a different way to resolve their argument. I know that I am doing my best to do my job as a mum. I feel way better.
When I stop judging myself, I can focus instead on how I want to be a mum and I release myself from the heavy responsibility of controlling my kids. Instead I focus on the job being a mum and doing my best.
Many of you might think that the second scenario is crazy. And that’s totally fine. But what if there was a very small possibility that you could react that way? Would you want to try it? I know it’s possible because sometimes I choose the second alternative and when I do, it feels amazing.
Article provided by Nicky Hammond
Image by Jared Rice, Unsplash